Banditos! Banditos! Banditos!

sadnaP everseR

I hope everyone's been enjoying my coverage from the 2008 Beijing Olympics, in Peking!  I've met so many new friends and had so many exciting adventures.  I've been emailing my special reports all week to Rick, who was supposed to post them, but he probably didn't, so that's all on you, Rick.  With my dying breath I curse you, 'kay?

Oh, didn't I mention?  I'm dying.  This, too, is Rick's fault, as when I was getting ready for the trip, I asked him to research things that could kill me in China.  He went on the computer for a while and came back with "homeopathy" and "wind resistance."  But I haven't encountered either of those things.  Instead, the REVERSE PANDAS stalked and killed my group, one by one, until only I survive to tell the - what was that?

False alarm.  Just China settling, I guess.

REVERSE PANDAS are the exact opposite of the typical cute, non-murderous panda.  Where a panda has black patches, they have white ones, and vice versa.  They're fast, and lean, and they only eat anti-bamboo, a.ka., Americans.  Our first night in the hotel, a reverse panda slipped into my room through the air shafts and made off with my roommate.  I've never seen anyone's head come off so quickly.  It was like a champagne cork.  And the grisliest part was that I swear the panda howled something like, "Happy new year!" in a Scooby-Doo doggy voice, before scuttling away.

So that's when I started to become concerned.

One guy was in the hall, getting ice, and felt a fuzzy paw among the cubes.  A muffled scream, and he was gone.  Another guy forgot to check his shoes before putting them on and discovered a whole nest of reverse pandas, who instantly devoured most of his leg.  Then while he was hopping around a larger, even more reversed panda ate his whole torso in one bite.  So now he has one leg and no torso, and I doubt he'll last another week.

Oh, and one guy went in to use the bathroom and discovered that a reverse panda had torn up all the toilet paper, just shredded it all over the floor.  It was a huge mess and he had to clean it up personally because he didn't want Room Service to think he was some kind of freak.

While he was cleaning, a reverse panda snuck up behind him and bit his ass off!

So now I'm holed up in my room with a huge, gaping wound.  It's painful as heck.  I can't identify half the organs I can see through this wound, but they look pretty important and very damaged.  I'm typing this in my own blood, on a keyboard made from my own tears.  If I can make it to sunrise, when the reverse pandas get sleepy, I might be able to tiptoe past them and get into a taxi.  I say "tiptoe" but I no longer have feet.  That's a whole other thing, I can't blame that on the pandas.  Rick, you were right about the homeopathy.

My story?  Well, for my last night in town I wanted to do something special.  I'd met this really nice reverse panda and although of course there was a language barrier, we really seemed to have something and we'd been spending a lot of time together.  I asked the panda where we could go that wasn't too touristy and she suggested this place that served Tan Jia cuisine, or something ... it was good, but the point is that after the meal she got frisky, I got mauled, and it devolved into a big cultural misunderstanding where everyone's feelings got hurt.  I guess swiping open someone's abdomen is like their version of third base.

Anyway, I've had a really horrifying time, and it'll be good to go home or slowly expire, whatever.  Either way, I guess I have a couple more breaths left in me, so I'll just curse Rick with each one.  Curse you, Rick.  I'm still cursing you.  Hey, 'sup, still cursing you.  Hey Rick, knock, knock.  Curse.  Curse yoooooouuuuu

Technorati Tags: pandas, reverse pandas, beijing olympics, Rick, my new best friend, who kind of sucks

Slight-Changers

The Slight-Changers - Barely more than meets the eye!

The Slight-Changers - Robots Thinly Veiled!

Superboat Alpha:  I've just received a report that the DupliciTrucks are planning an attack down by the Tidal Basin.  Someone needs to go down there for a reconnaissance mission.  Someone who can see, but not be seen.  But who?

Rocketsaurus:  I'll do it!  Slight-changers are mostly GO!

Superboat Alpha:  Whoa, hold up there.  You can't go into downtown DC like that.

Rocketsaurus:  Like what?

Superboat Alpha:  Like a giant walking V-2 rocket.  It'll scare the hell out of everyone.  These are troubled times, Rocketsaurus.

Rocketsaurus:  Good thinking!  I'll slight-change into my disguise form.

Superboat Alpha:  Well, that's the same problem, seeing as your disguise form is a giant dinosaur.  It's a dead giveaway.

Rocketsaurus:  What if I just hang out by the Smithsonian all day?  Try to blend in?

Superboat Alpha:  I like that you're thinking, I really do, but that would only work if you looked like a model of a dinosaur, not a weird robot dinosaur made out of big chunks of a V-2 rocket.

Rocketsaurus:  I have some poster paint and paper maché.

Superboat Alpha:  What would that make you?

Rocketsaurus:  One of those big headed protest guys?  Like in a parade?

Superboat Alpha:  Made from V-2 rocket?

Rocketsaurus:  He's protesting World War II, like, really late.

Superboat Alpha:  I'm going to veto this idea for several reasons.

Rocketsaurus:  Well, sir, it sound like it's time for Plan Tarp.

Superboat Alpha:  No.  Next idea.

Rocketsaurus:  Plan Tarp is where I cover myself with -

Superboat:  I know that, Rocketsaurus, and I also know that it is stupid.  Let's just skip the whole subset of ideas which involve items you stole from some human's shed.  And also, stop doing that.

Rocketsaurus:  Just to be clear, then, you've ruled out Project Jungle Gym as well as Operation Garbage Bag Full of Leaves.

Superboat Alpha:  Come to think of it, I doubt very much that you'll find any way to spend five minutes in DC without immediately attracting the National Guard.  But perhaps we don't need to foil the DupliciTrucks this time.  The National Guard can handle it for us.

Rocketsaurus:  But how will anyone see through their clever disguises?

Superboat Alpha:  I just have a feeling that although they look like ordinary trucks, something about a dozen of them floating in the Tidal Basin should attract just a little too much attention.  Also, even in disguise mode, they can't help giggling to themselves.  It's their "tell."

Rocketsaurus:  So once again, robot ingenuity saves the day!  And with the bare minimum of effort!

Superboat Alpha: That's the Slight-Changers way.  I guess.  Whatever.

Technorati Tags: transformers, V-2 rockets, oh. my. God, it's a mirage, I'm telling y'all it's CAMOUFLAGE

Who to Pray For

Or, "For Whom to Pray?"  Not sure!  Anyway, let's learn forthwith whom to prayeth for!

• People in Hell?  No!  What do you think will happen?  They're in hell; it's sucky and hot.  They're not getting out and they don't get any five to seven minute torment breaks.  Even in the non-torturous, ritzier "Hell is the absence of God" neighborhoods, the prayers of the living don't do any good.  It's not as if you can ask God to just show up for a minute or two, do a quick meet and greet, then leave.  First of all, you're not God's campaign manager, and second, the whole "absence of God" thing doesn't work if God keeps coming in to say hi.
• People in Heaven?  No.  Waste of time.  They're in heaven; everything's jake.  Heaven can't get even slightly nicer.  And don't try to wish that heaven gets annoying, then suddenly perfect again so that the heaven people learn to appreciate it more.  Heaven is not the place for that kind of heavy-handed moral lesson.  It's a magical realm where only good people go.
• People in Purgatory?  Yes!  I just learned this from a TV show.  Really, I had no idea, but it makes total sense.  Praying for people in purgatory helps them get through purgatory faster.  I think it's because if people on Earth are praying for them, they must not have been so bad after all.  Purgatory is just for little things, like say coveting your neighbor's hat, and after you die, your neighbor might say, "You know, it is a really nice hat.  If I hadn't worn it with so much pride - which is a sin - and maybe Rick wouldn't be in so much purgatory right now.  Prayers to you, Rick!"  And then Rick gets closer to the goal.  Win-win.
• Other People on Earth?  I say, yes.  Come on, whether it works or not, it's nice. 
• Yourself?  Uh, selfish much?  They didn't address this on the show, but I assume that you should maybe not pray for yourself too often.  Pray for strength to overcome temptation or whatever, but don't pray for, say, someone else's hat.  If you really deserve the hat, maybe someone else will pray it over to you, but as I understand it, if you're praying that your neighbor gets hit by a gust of wind while you're walking behind her ready to catch her hat on your head and run, well, nice try, Rick.  Have fun in puuur-ga-toooory!
• Inanimate Objects?  No, that's crazy talk.  I'd rather believe that every inanimate object is constantly praying for me.

Technorati Tags: prayer, hell, heaven, purgatory, this show was really good, I learned four new ideas in a half hour

DVD Professor

Do you want to learn computers for a new job?  Do you need to learn computers so's you can keep your current job?  What if computers came in that door - that one there, that's right, look at it! - and you had to learn them?  What would you do?  Better get to learning, with DVD Professor!

DVD Professor is a revolutionary new way for people like YOU to learn Windows, Apple, eBay, Web, Photoshop, Internet, Mouse, Quicken, Funny Videos, Vista, Second Life, iPhone, and more!  Our self-paced computer learning tutorials let YOU learn computers at YOUR pace, using time-proven techniques like talking slowly and being old.  Sign up today and we'll send you three DVDs - a three DVD value - full of valuable tips and techniques.  You know what a DVD is, right?

Oh, you don't?  No problem!  A DVD is like ... it's sort of a ... picture a big pancake ... never mind, it sounds like you need VHS Professor, the all-VHS learning system chock full of professors and knowledge!  It fits in any VCR and explains all about DVD, menus, buttons, and what button to press on the remote.  No, the other remote.  No, you just changed the input.  Change it back.  Not with that remote.  With the other one.  Just put that one down.

No, it doesn't need batteries.  What it needs is to be the correct remote, okay?  All you're doing here is locking and unlocking your car, over and over again, and it's driving VHS Professor crazy.  VHS Professor can only take so much!

Sounds like you need Irrational Fear Professor.  Why spend time and money learning computers when you can develop an irrational fear of them for the low price of $189.95?  Learn all about how connecting to the Internet leads to your identity being stolen by hardcore pornography and pop-up spywares!  Did you know that every time you go on the web, your computer secretly contacts DNS servers and downloads IP addresses into your home?  And that some of these IP addresses are controlled by foreigners?  In fact, one of them (208.113.210.40) is controlled by Foreigner.

Hurry and protect yourself, for only $189.95!  Remember, if you die in the Internet, you die in real life.  Just like in The Matrix.

Really?  Never?

Well, then, the Internet is like a daguerrotype ... of evil.  Get it now?

$189.95, Grampy. 

We don't accept Confederate bills.

Technorati Tags: Video Professor, DVD, VHS, Foreigner, "I've Been Waiting", beat, "For A Girl Like You"

My Book Deal

My book deal fell through.  It was such a great idea, too.  I was going to give up something for a year, and blog about it on my blog, and then the blog posts would become pages in a book and people would buy the book and I would use the money for candy and stickers.  It worked for No Impact Man, No Car Man, and countless locavores.  (Not to be confused with luchavores, people who only eat Mexican wrestlers, or locophages - folks who eat crazy?  Dunno.)

My book was about me not wearing underwear for a year.  It was to be called The Year of Breezy Taint, but Penguin thought that was a little too highbrow, so we went with Chafe!  Readers like verb titles.  An alternate title: Chafing the Cube, because I also ate a bouillon cube every day for a year.

In fact, the deal was that I eat one bouillon cube the first day, then two, then four, then eight, and so on.  I learned a couple of things during that year.  First of all, I guess I thought that series wouldn't diverge towards infinity, but whoops, it totally does.  Secondly, I don't like bouillon cubes as much as I'd thought.  They don't taste like soup, like, at all.

Also, I forgot to write about the underwear thing because I was so busy throwing up.  It's been over a year and I don't think I've mentioned it once.  I had many important things to say about my new lifestyle.  I learned a lot about friendship.  Turns out it has limits.

Also also, I forgot to mention the other thing I've been doing, which is living in the bed of a pickup truck.  It's more environmentally friendly or something?  Don't worry, it's a very nice truck bed, it has a tarp and everything.  And the guy who owns the truck never caught on because I blend in with this one pile of logs.

Maybe it's the massive dehydration talking, but I'm starting to think I don't need a book deal after all.  I've simplified my life.  If my life got any simpler I'd be in a coma.  Guess what?  This year of deprivation has taught me that the real book deal was inside me all along!

Epiphany:  It's what's on the inside that counts, especially if the outside looks and smells like truck stop jerky.

Technorati Tags: book deal, epiphanies, locavores, cubes

Tan Note - How to use it

The Tan Note is a magical notebook from the ethereal realm of Lotion, home of the Tanning Gods.  Occasionally a mortal will stumble upon a Tan Note and unlock its powers.  These are its rules of use.

1. The human whose name is written in this note will get a suntan.
2. This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.  Identical twins who share the same name are a special case.  The writer should put down their name while picturing their face, then immediately picturing their Social Security number.
3. If the type of tan is not specified, the person will receive a deep, full body bronzing.
4. Any other type of tan may be written in the note, including: a farmer's tan, a salon tan, all manner of tan lines including bikini, tankini, and bandini (bandeu-style top), light freckling, pink sunburns, leathery Cheeto-colored Miami style skin, and the tan produced by falling asleep under the slats of a lawn chair while wearing sunglasses (the "reverse Hamburgler").
5. The person's current skin tone does not affect what tan they receive.  The new tan will replace, rather than add to any existing tan.
6. An albino may be given a suntan using this note, but will still be an albino, under the tan.
7. The person need not be exposed to the sun at any point to receive their tan.  Coal miners will tan.  Goths will tan.
8. The owner of the Tan Note cannot give themselves a tan.  This is to encourage long soliloquies full of bitter irony.
9. The Tan Note will be rendered useless if the person's name is misspelled four times.  After two mistakes, there will be a warning beep, and after the third time, the notebook itself will suggest alternate spellings.  "Did you mean ..."
10. Be sure to return your Tan Note to the ethereal realms if it begins to malfunction.  Some examples of malfunctions: spontaneous tanning of everyone within a five mile radius, internal tanning, or requesting mahogany but receiving birch.

Technorati Tags: tans, suntans, death note, summer edition

"Watch Me Laser This Mario Dragon, Mom!"

Parenting magazine has some tips for moms who want to be great parents.  Personally, I'm just going to shoot for "mediocre parent" which is more attainable, but the uppity moms out there may be interested to know that Tip #1 is to play video games with your kids.  It gets them to talk or something.  I was planning to just trick them into talking with a series of misleading questions like, "Hey, would you like to go white water rafting next Sunday or is your friend Vanessa still doing drugs?"  But that's just me, World's Mediocrest Parent, as it says on the T-shirt I'll receive from my indifferent kid someday.  And my kid won't even bother wrapping it, she'll just drop it on the floor and sigh.

Check out their example of a great mom and her kid:

Yeah, they know what's up.  There's Mom, rocking out with her tiny bestickered Guitar Hero ukulele, tossing her hair about, while little Jayden jumps up and down on the couch with his XBox 360 controller.  "Hey Mom, why do you get to use the actual controller when we play Guitar Hero and I have to play back here with the wrong input device entirely?" 

"Well, Jayden, it's the same reason you aren't allowed to use the Wiimote when Mommy plays Smash Bros. and have to make do with a couple of shirt buttons hot glued to a twig.  It's because while I'm a great parent, you, as a child, have been phoning it in since you were four and a half."

Technorati Tags: Parenting, Guitar Hero, beating motherhood on Expert without using Star Power once

New Shoes

So Paolo Nutini writes this song "New Shoes" about how Paolo Nutini feels a little low one day.  In the song, he puts on some new shoes, feels better, and discovers that his friends have thrown him a surprise party.  I guess it's like the shoes' birthday?

Whereupon his song gets immediately licensed for a shoe commercial in which he plays, live, while a dance troupe acts out the joys of fresh Pumas.  Whereupon he, presumably, receives a crate of free shoes since he adores them so.

So I'm wondering, how can this method apply to other free items (for me)?  Do I have to write a catchy song or can I just write one for something that needs a lot of positive PR and which I also covet?  For example, I want a radon detector and it'd be mighty nice to get in on some of that sweet, sweet radon swag.  What about:

Hey, I'm gonna get my rad-on and suddenly everything's keen

I say, hey, gonna get my rad-on and shortly thereafter I am radiating laughter

Oh, feeling hopeful with my noble gas

Breathing tiny particles of shake that ass

And I'm a-ccosting strangers and stroking their clothes

Cause I'm getting my radon dose

Technorati Tags: Paolo Nutini, radon, New Shoes, now it's in your head too

Stok Similes

Stok coffee shots, available at your local supermarket, are simply creamer containers with 40 mg of caffeine, which one pours into a cup of coffee.  They're only reason you're reading this sentence, for I am one low and sleepy puppy.  The whole concept is kind of silly, because I could get 40 mg of caffeine by drinking more coffee or a single shot of espresso.  If nothing else, they provide an opportunity to test one's ability to make similes.

Stok in a Cup of Coffee

is like a poisoned cup of coffee.  That's the best way I can describe it.  The coffee just tastes slightly suspicious.  I couldn't tell that it woke me up any more than usual, but it made me wary, so that's something.  Stok in a cup of coffee is like a cup of coffee handed to me by a man who wants me dead.  It makes me not need the coffee so much.

Stok by Itself

is like swallowing a penny.  Bear with me; I don't merely mean that it tastes metallic.  Imagine the sort of scenario it would take for you, as an adult, to swallow a penny.  You'd have to be really tired, or desperate, or completely misinformed about how a savings account works.  "Well, it's come to this.  I'm down to swallowing pennies."  So while, yes, a Stok by itself tastes somewhat metallic, what it really tastes like is the scrapings from the copper reinforced bottom of the barrel.

Two Shots of Stok in Two Shots of Espresso

is like going to the moon without a space suit.  Exhilarating!  Also, your air supply is a bunch of old soccer balls you've had lying around since high school.  If you don't want to asphyxiate you'll need to regularly suck on one of those saggy spheres of foulness.  What I'm saying is that this drink is like a space program run by gym teachers.

A Shot of Stok in Another Shot of Stok

I just made a huge mess.  I should've put the first shot in a larger container before pouring in the second.  It's like meconium.  Hey there reader, either you don't know what that is or I've really disgusted you.

A Shot of Vodka, Then a Shot of Stok

I didn't actually do this.  I have more respect for vodka than that.  So I'm just guessing when I say it is like a thrilling escape sequence in an action movie followed by that inevitable scene where they get into a helicopter and someone asks, "You do know how to fly this thing, right?" as they take off.  But in this scene, the pilot responds, "No, not really," and they sit there looking uncomfortable.  Eventually the bad guys catch up to them and kill them.

Stok and Orange Juice

I really did this, just now!  It was like being bit behind the ear by a plaguey cicada.  And yes, I know they don't.  But this one did.

Technorati Tags: Stok, coffee shots, similes, sleepities, wha?

Boom Blox and Zombie Games

Which have nothing to do with each other.  Just a couple of new GWJ links.  Someday, some halcyon morn, they will be integrated into the blank, expectant space to the right of this column.  I have big plans for that little sidebar.

Boom Blox Interview.  Very silly, but I really enjoyed doing this one.  I don't like to be too materialistic about games, but occasionally price matters.  They are, in fact, consumer products, and the asking price indicates something about what the publisher thinks of you, the consumer.  Sometimes they think you're a brainless sheep, easily cowed into forking over your nest egg to some snake oil salesman.  To put it another way, using only 1/4 the animals, sometimes they're Tom Nook all thinking you're made of bells.

The Last Stand 2.  "It's like Oregon Trail with zombies," says deftly in the comments, helpfully condensing the writeup to a single, much pithier sentence.  Absolutely spot on.  There are lots of decent zombie killing games out there to tide you over until Left 4 Dead comes out in November, or whenever Valve decides it's done.

For example, as mentioned at TIGSource, the indie game Survival Crisis Z tries to mix survival horror with free-roaming, clockwork city, sandbox GTA other buzzwords open world etc.  It largely succeeds in following through on the GTA idea, although it's more like GTA 2.  Isomorphic graphics don't lend themselves well to scary situations.  You can see the zombies coming a mile away.  In real life, sure, I guess you would, but the point of a zombie story is to force the characters into situations where they get surprised by the shambling hordes.  That way they can make decisions under pressure, which usually means more exciting decisions.  As it is, I spent a lot of time in Survival Crisis Z slowly walking away from zombies who eventually got bored and left.  I'm sorry I was so boring, zombie.  You're not the first one I've encountered, you know.  It's really arrogant of you to think that.

Technorati Tags: GWJ, Gamers With Jobs, Boom Blox, The Last Stand 2, Left 4 Dead

So You Think You Can Hop

So You Think You Can Dance features all kinds of dancers attempting all types of dance, but there's one comparison that comes up in every episode:

• "We sure ran the gamut tonight, from waltzes all the way to hip hop!"
• "She's a classically trained ballerina, but will she 'bring it' when forced to do ... hip hop?"
• "This B-boy has the hip hop moves, but now he's facing his greatest challenge: [any style other than hip hop]!"

I get it.  Hip hop is different, somehow.  It's so exotic and strange, this style which we see every single day in any music video that has any dancing whatsoever.  When was the last time anyone did a waltz in a video?  I guarantee that I can turn on the TV right now and find a channel with someone doing this mysterious "hip hop," maybe a whole bunch of dancers with someone singing in that quirky, rarely heard form of music known as "rapp."  Or, "rap," is that how it's spelled?  I'm not an ethnomusicologist.

"I don't understand any of this!  How will I ever master this series of motions set to music?  I'm a dancer, not a homegirl!"

You'd think someone asked these fuckers to do South African gumboot dancing.  You'd think they were learning tap.  The modern dance people are always stuck with some routine like, "You're an apple merchant and she's the Spirit of Effulgence, you fall in love and end up doin' it on a moving escalator.  Your passion is represented by these lit sparklers I've taped to your leotards."  And what do they tell the cameras?

"Wow, it's an honor to work with blah blah.  This idea is so creative.  Boy, I'm glad I didn't get hip hop this week, cause that shit is crazy."  No.  Sparklotards are crazy.  Hip hop is like the default reaction to music intended to make people dance.

Come on, you lazy bastards.  Your role on So You Think You Can Dance is to think you can dance, not whine about how hard it is to learn the most ubiquitous form of dancing for the last 30 years.  If you can perform "West Coast Swing" every day of your life, you can do a couple minutes of hip hop once in your career.  Afterwards, you'll scrutinize your hands and exclaim, "Whew!  That was eerie, but I'm pretty sure I'm still white."

Technorati Tags: So You Think You Can Dance, hip hop, waltz, tango, gumboot, that one dance they do in South America where they throw plantains at each other until someone catches it in their thong

Phone In Friday: High Five!

"Hey buddy, slip me some skin!  Preferably yours!"

"Up high!  Down low!  Behind the back!  Both hands!  Pizzicato glissandi!"

"Yo, I need to take your fingerprints on the ink pad of my hand, as I am currently booking you on charges of being my friend."

"C'mon now, I need my daily dose of bro-lic acid!"

"Please caress my palm as briefly and violently as possible, old chum."

"Don't leave me hanging!  I'm fully committed to this gesture and if no one slaps my hand down I'll have a tough time getting back into the car."

"All right!  I just washed but didn't dry my hands!  Wet one, hit it!"

"Aw yeah!  I've never, ever washed my hands!  Adhesive one, hit it!"

"Boo ya!  Slap my dumb-ass face, but miss!"

Technorati Tags: Friday, Phone In Friday, high five

Stand to the What Now?

Many people ride the thrilling escalators of the DC Metro and most of them stand to the right side, walk on the left.  That's just how it works.  However, DC also draws a lot of out-of-towners, or as we call them, Horgawomphenarians, especially around the Fourth of July weekend, who often block everyone by standing to the left.  It's annoying, but it happens all the time.  So what?

Some Metro stations have little signs that read "Stand to the Right" and do not work.  Some stations have embarrassingly obvious announcements telling people to stand to the right, which also does not work.  There are Stand to the Right T-shirts.  Wow.  That's really committing yourself and your wardrobe to something that will never work.  It's a cliché.  It's "Mind the gap" for a less tolerant city.

The deal is that people will tell you to move or they will run around you.  A little obnoxious, maybe.

But you know what's even more obnoxious?  Some guy - I'll call him Mort for reasons that will be revealed later - planted at the bottom of the escalator, shouting over and over, "Stand to the right!  People are trying to get through!  Stand to the right, people!  Everyone has places to be!  Come on!"

This utter tool yelled at an escalator full of tourists for several minutes.  There's nothing worse than taking a minor annoyance and getting overly emotional about it.  People who get angry like that disgust and infuriate me.

Later:  Oh, and Mort, I named you that in my head because I wished you would DIE

Technorati Tags: hypocrisy, DC, Metro, stand to the right

Forever Stamps FAQ

Q:  What is a "Forever Stamp" anyway?  It sounds crazy!

A:  Crazy like a fox made of savings, my friend.  A Forever Stamp is simply a first class stamp, currently priced at 42 cents, which can be used to mail a one ounce letter at any point in the future.

Q:  So, if postal rates go up, I can still use it without having to tack on some lame one cent stamp?

A:  Yes, that's exactly right.

Q:  So what if postal rates go down?

A:  Don't worry, that won't happen.

Q:  But hypothetically, if the price of stamps goes down to 41 cents again, do you send me a penny?

A:  Yes!  We put it in one of those weird cards grandmothers use to send change.  You should have your penny within four to six weeks.  However, once it arrives, we'll immediately raise the rate again.

Q:  Wait, you'll raise the rate back to 42 cents?  Really?

A:  No, we're raising it to 43 cents, because we lost money on that last transaction.  We need to recoup our losses.  But don't worry, your Forever Stamp has now increased in value by two cents.  That's nice, right?

Q:  I guess so.  This is complicated.

A:  No, no, it's as simple as a mule made of savings.  All you have to do is send us back the penny, because by raising the rate, we essentially gave you a free penny.  You also have to include another penny, which is that 43rd cent.  So just mail us two pennies in a granny card.  Immediately.

Q:  But that's my money!

A:  No, your money is right there in the stamp.  You can use it at any time.  In fact, why don't you use that Forever Stamp to send us back our two cents?  Then you can buy a new Forever Stamp at the low price of 43 cents.  It'll pay off when we increase the rates, that is, if we increase rates.  We might lower them instead.

Q:  OK, hypothetically, here's your two cents.  Your logic is impeccable, but I don't know, it seems like you're ripping me off ...

A:  So long, sucker!

Q:  What?  What did you say?

Q:  Are you there?

Q:  Hello?  U.S. Postal Service?

Q:  Hello?

Technorati Tags: Forever Stamps, stamps, the postal service, PHILATELY 4 LIFE

Fun links:  A great investment?  No, obviously not.

Magic Cucumber

Oh it's summer in the bayou and we're jamming on guitars
On my rocket ship I'll fly you to the grooviest of stars
Gonna meet them Martian peoples with their crazy buggy eyes
They have dandelions for nipples and they bake marshmallow pies

Hoo!  Hoo!  Coming through!  Magic cucumber!
Hoo!  Hoo!  What'll you do?  Magic cucumber!
Come inside, take a ride with the magic cucumber!
Come along, sing a song to the magic cucumber!

Now everyone, let's build a fire we can dance around and laugh
Cause tonight we'll all get higher than an extra tall giraffe
Here among the trees and marshes we don't need to make excuses
Here where no one ever washes and we're all licensed masseuses

Hoo!  Hoo!  Coming through!  Magic cucumber!
Hoo!  Hoo!  What'll you do?  Magic cucumber!
Get down - no, further down - with the magic cucumber!
It's all right, take a bite of the magic cucumber!

It's just a cuke
Oh!  It's just a cuke
And we're just singing a sooong
It's just a cuke
Oh!  It's just a cuke
Ain't doing nothing wrooong
It's just a cuke
Oh!  It's just a cuke
How did it get so looong
It's just a cuke
Oh!  It's just a cuke
Get out your salad tooongs

Hoo!  Hoo!  Coming through!  Magic cucumber!
Hoo!  Hoo!  What'll you do?  Magic cucumber!
You're so fine, I'll give you mine if you give me your number
Eating daisies, getting lazy, slip into slumber
Hoo!  Hoo!  Coming through!  Magic cucumber!, etc.

[Copyright 1968, Stickley Funkhempler and the Love Project Experience Group]

Which Whitley Are You?

It's often been said that there are two types of people in this "Different World" of ours: Whitleys and non-Whitleys.  It's also said that non-Whitleys are just Whitleys that haven't realized it yet.  Pre-Whitleys, if you will.  Every soul on Earth takes on a different aspect of Whitley, but there is only one Whitley, and she is we.  So which Whitley are you?

Evil Whitley

Evil Whitley is not really evil.  We prefer to call her First Season Whitley.  She has an overdeveloped sense of entitlement because her family hath donated a lot of money to Hillman.  She also hath an overdeveloped Southern accent, very different from the accent heard in 99.9% of Southerners.  It's the sort of drawl never heard outside of Julep: The Musical or radio advertisements for Gran'paw Molasses' Ole-Fashioned Cotton Slaw.  Do not fear Evil Whitley, accept her, drawl and all.  Y'all.

Redemption Whitley

Once Denise Huxtable leaves school to teach African children how to knit sweaters from Jell-o, Whitley suddenly becomes a likeable character.  She's still a stuck up Southern Belle, but now she receives a comeuppance and/or learns a valuable lesson about once an episode.  Thus the long, long road of Whitleyan redemption begins.  Her romantic life enters its pupal stage, during which she dates Julian, the student who is not Dwayne Wayne, even though she and Dwayne Wayne are meant to be.  Do you, like Redemption Whitley, not yet recognize your true love?  No?  How would you know, smarty?  You don't recognize them yet.  Q.E.D.

Scheming Whitley

Scheming Whitley is half evil, half good.  She has realized that Dwayne Wayne is the only one for her, but she attempts to interfere in his current relationship.  Her energies are misdirected.  The stone which touches water must forever leave the mountain.  When the sunglasses are flipped down, the world goes dark, but when they are flipped up, the light is blinding.  Do not travel during Scheming Whitley.

Whitley of the Wed

Wednesday is the day of wedding, and this is the day when our own Whitley must marry the Dwayne Wayne.  She will be Whitley Gilbert, of Gilbert Hall, no longer.  Now she must become Whitley Wayne!  Her initials are W.W.  Added together, that makes the letter U four times ("double U"), or the words, "For You."  Whitley Wayne is for you!  Feel good about that!  Her royal crest is that of A Different World's final season, which is that of an azure Sinbad sinister on a pair of ravens, water skiing over the head of a shark.

Jasmine Guy

Jasmine Guy is technically a post-Whitley.  If you are born under the sign of Jasmine Guy, you retain some Whitleyan essence, but you have moved on to other projects and find it heartbreaking to tell small children that no, Hillman is not a real college that they can attend someday, and no, Dwayne Wayne does not teach there.  "Now y'all scatter, y'all li'l scalliwags, y'all.  Jasmine Guy needs to put on her eye shades and face mask and catch a lil' ol' beauty sleep."

Technorati Tags: Whitley, Whitley Gilbert, Dwayne Wayne, Hillman College, A Different World, from where you come from

Phone In Friday: Horrifying Children's Book Titles

• The Velveteen Racist
• Frog and Toad Are Frenemies
• Bridge to Terrible Accident
• Some Damn Caterpillar Ate Your Book, No Refunds 
• The Project Runway Bunny
• The Roly Poly Puppy Struggles With Roly Polio
• A Child's Garden of Chiggers
• If You Lead a Mouse to Believe That a Cookie Will Be Forthcoming After Certain Services Have Been Rendered, That Is to Say, Once a Certain Third Party Has Been Eliminated ...
• The Boxcar Children
• Are You There, God? It's Me, Edward James Olmos

Technorati Tags: one of those is real!

LostWinds

Here's a review of LostWinds, a nice prize at the bottom of the WiiWare cereal box.  It's exactly what I want to see from WiiWare: small, creative games that use the Wii remote like a mouse.  In coming years, the Wii remote's ability to simulate a mouse will bring in more independent developers who don't want to make one more Asteroids clone for Xbox Live Arcade.  It's less intuitive than a mouse, but it's closer to one than any other controller.  Anyway, give the LostWinds website a look, it's a charming game.  Even though it's a bit short, it presents several fun ways of using wind to toss this cute little kid around his adowable wittle viwwage.  Er, that's "village."

Technorati Tags: LostWinds, WiiWare, Wii, GWJ

Indiana Jones and the Hidden Laser Kid

Saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull this weekend.  I'd heard such terrible things about it and my expectations were lowered sufficiently for me to really enjoy most of the movie.  Thanks, expectation lowerers!  I think it's a good movie, it just has too many crystal skulls.  Isn't that always the way.  Just take out every scene which features a crystal skull, and it becomes one long, exciting chase scene.  The last part of the movie gets offensively dumb, and not coincidentally, that's just when a dozen new crystal skulls show up.  Next time, fewer crystal skulls, more helpful monkeys.  I genuinely liked the helpful monkeys and I loved the refrigerator bit.  That whole sequence was perfectly paced, leading up to a surprisingly beautiful final image.  Admittedly, that fridge sequence could've been improved with a few helpful monkeys.  You can usually squeeze at least two helpful monkeys into any fridge, in the crisper drawers.

But I'm not here to review movies.  I'm here to heckle a fellow audience member: the kid in the back with the laser pointer.  He raises so many issues!

• So, kid, you took a laser pointer to the movie and occasionally made a little red dot on the screen.  Did you plan that out beforehand?  Did you just happen to have a laser pointer and suddenly realize, hey, I can interact with the movie in a special way?  Did you re-contextualize the movie or are you just an asshole?
• Where do you even get laser pointers anymore?  Do you have to special order them from the '80s?  Why not point a Zune or some modern piece of loser technology at the screen?  Were you pointing it old school?
• I only saw the red dot three times during this two hour movie.  Were you afraid of getting caught?  Did you just think those three scenes needed a red dot?  Why did you put it on someone's face each time?  Was it supposed to be a bindi dot?  Oh wait, was it supposed to be an Indy dot?  Whoa!
• Were you trying to activate the crystal skull?
• Remember that red line on the map showing Indy's route through South America?  Were you trying to point out a better route, with less traffic?  Are you like the Google Maps of assholes?
• Are you, I don't know, socially awkward, and this was all a desperate cry for attention?  Is this the only way you can interact with the world, through brief, pathetic bursts of light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation?  Oh, no.  Did you - did you just want to pet the pretty monkeys?
• Gee, now I'm all sad.  My apologies, kid.  In retrospect, I'm sorry I threw that drink at you.  And I'm glad it hit someone else.

Technorati Tags: Indiana Jones, crystal skulls, helpful monkeys, laser kids

Edible Epaulets

These were a huge hit at the Memorial Day barbeque!

Ingredients

1 lb. ground bison meat

2 cups corn meal

1 stick butter, chilled

1/2 cup ice water

salt, pepper, Montreal steak seasoning, adobo, curry powder, whatever

(seriously, you could use Pop Rocks, it doesn't matter, it all gets deep fried)

soba noodles

nicely ironed shirts you don't mind ruining

The Dough

With well-floured hands, tear the butter into little crumbs and work it into the corn meal, along with about 1/2 tsp salt and 1/2 tsp pepper.  Try not to work it over too much.  Add the ice water, 1 tsp at a time, mashing it up with a fork, until the dough just barely holds together, then toss the rest of the ice water, or drink it, or save it for next Memorial Day.  Let the dough chill in the fridge while you cook up the meat.

The Meat

Sauté it in some oil and your seasoning of choice.  Don't overcook it because bison gets tough.  Don't cook it near a cliff because bison gets spooked and runs over the edge.

Dough, Part II

Roll out the dough to about 1/4 inch thick on a well-floured board.  The rolling pin should be well-floured as well.  Hell, just put flour on everything in the house, it's easier.  Then cut it into circles, six or seven inches in diameter.  The size of the epaulets does not necessarily indicate rank, but rather the amount of delicious meat filling.  Put several spoonfuls of meat filling on a circle, cover it with another circle, and use a fork to seal the edges tightly.

Soba Noodles

Boil water, cook the soba noodles until al dente, or whatever the Japanese term for al dente is.  Drain.

Deep Fry

Fill a big pot with oil and deep fry the epaulets one at a time.  Health-conscious chefs can use sunflower oil or some other light oil.  Less health-conscious chefs can avoid oil altogether and use plu gras, or fill the whole pot with bacon fat.  The epaulets are done when they're golden and crispy all over.  They're overdone if they explode.  Just before that happens, throw in a handful of soba noodles, which should stick to them like a tasseled fringe.  Pull them out with tongs and let them dry on the nicely ironed shirts, one on each shoulder.  Put on the shirt, and

March Around Town Looking Yummy

Feel free to spend all day drinking grog, referring to yourself as Admiral Tasty of H.M.S. Picnic Surprise, and inviting everyone to take a bite of your edible epaulets.  By the end of the day, you'll be covered in glory, or possibly gravy, rolling about on the grass amid millions of festive, adoring fire ants.

Technorati Tags: picnics, Memorial Day, epaulets, edible epaulets, recipes